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| Spotting a Workplace Bully (1) |
This Post is based on
personal experience, observation and opinion. Therefore, the only thing that
qualifies me to able speak about bullying is because I have been at the receiver end of
this behavior at one level or another sense childhood. The most brutal was in
the workplace. There are literally thousands of stories and books/articles
written by men and women that have studied extensively on this subject matter
but I have lived it and survived.
I am first going to try to
define what bullying is to me with a little support from the professionals. Second,
I will discuss the three types of bullying that affected my life and last but
not least, I am going to attempt to give you a victim’s perspective on whether
or not bullying behavior can be changed.
1.) Definition – Bully (2):
“Bullying has been defined
as (an aggressive, intentional act or behavior that is carried out by a group
or an individual repeatedly and over time against a victim who cannot easily
defend him or herself) (Olweus, 1993). This definition stresses the
intentionality by the author of the aggressions, in order to provoke physical
or psychological harm in victims. Moreover, the difference between ordinary disputes
among children and acts of bullying consists also of the repetition over time
and of the imbalance of power between the bully and the victim, with the
affirmation of the supremacy of the bully on the victim (in terms of age,
physical strength, etc..) (Cullingford and Morrison, 1995)..Sharp and Smith
(1994) highlight the following forms of bullying according to the type and
intensity of the aggressive behavior:
physical
bullying (thumps, pushing, being physically overbearing),
verbal
bullying (injuries, blackmail, intimidation, oppression, insults, calling
people,
indirect
bullying (social manipulation consisting in using others as a means rather than
attacking the victim directly; for example: annoying and offensive gossip,
systematic exclusion of a person from the life of a group, etc.).
physical
bullying and verbal bullying can be considered as forms of direct bullying,
since they imply a face-to-face relationship between bullies and victims.”
2.) Definition – Workplace
Bullying (3):
Who gets bullied? You can be anywhere on the corporate ladder; a
woman or a man; blue collar or white collar—workplace bullying can happen to
anyone.
What does workplace bullying look like? Workplace bullying might
include getting ignored, put down, left out, talked about, or humiliated and although
workplace bullying tends to be subtle, when men bully, it is often more aggressive
or physical. With women, it might be more backhanded.
Signs of workplace bullying: The following signs of workplace
bullying are adapted from research from the State University of New York and
Wayne State University. While some of these behaviors may be isolated, if they
form a pattern over time and are extreme, they may indicate workplace bullying:
Being
left out from work-related social events
Coworkers
storming out of the work area when you enter
Others
regularly arriving late for meetings that you call
Being given the “silent
treatment”
Not being given the praise
you thought you deserved
Being
treated rudely or disrespectfully
Coworkers refusing to help
when you ask
Spreading
rumors about you that aren’t true and that nobody denies
Being
given little or no feedback about your performance
Others
responding slowly to requests that were important to you
Being
yelled or shouted at
Receiving
put-downs about your intelligence or competence
Your
telephone calls or other communications are ignored
Your
contributions are ignored
Someone
interferes with or sabotages your work
Being the recipient of
mean pranks
Being
lied to
Being
denied a raise or promotion without a valid reason
Being
given bigger workloads or shorter deadlines than coworkers
Being
accused of making a mistake on purpose
A
coworker throws a temper tantrum when you disagree with him
Being
put down in front of others
The story begins: I was the first daughter after three boys and loved my daddy.
Looking back, I think my existence in the household created an imbalance with
the boys at least from my prospective and of course there is another side to
this story (theirs). There were subtle hints of bullying behavior, like one of
my brothers giving my sister and I, fist knocks/thumps on the head (coscorones in
Spanish) when things were not going his way. They were annoying and based on the above definition this was “physical”
bullying. It was a bothersome behavior and I remember it to this day; however,
I don’t think it marred my personality at the time. It did make me feel out of
sorts and different.
My parents sent me to
America when I was twelve years old to live with my grandparents and attend a Middle High School located in North Dallas. This was all an effort to remove me from my first “Love” experience and or situation. My
parents, I guess, were mortified about my entrance into puberty. Remember, I
was homeschooled, in Mexico, up until this point and just the removal from my
home was traumatizing enough but then I was enrolled into Middle High School, in
America.
This is where I was
introduced to some serious “verbal” bullies and they came in all shapes, sizes,
race and gender. They called me a “Mexican Greaser” and tormented me, daily,
because I was socially awkward. I just hated going to that school. My grandmother
forced me cut my long hair, as a solution, so that I could just blend in. This action
just broke my heart. I loved my hair and was proud of where I came from. This period
in my life weighed heavily on my heart. This was when I started to doubt and
question myself.
Looking back, my first
question, today, is why do children or better said teenagers learn to behave in
this manner? I honestly believe that bullying is a learned trait replicated by
their environment and this environment includes the parents. Yes, parents are responsible for instilling the proper social
behavior, etiquette, and moral values in their children. As a community, we are
responsible for letting parents know when this behavior is observed. As a
community, we are also responsible for teach our children how to be good
parents. Now this is not to be confused with those children that stand-up to
their aggressors. Long story short, my parents, listened to my painful incantations
and moved me to a private girl’s school where the culture was 100% more
congenial. This is where I flourished. I became my class’s parliamentarian
and played on the basketball team.
The last place was at my
job and this was the most challenging because everyone needs a job to survive
and pay the bills. It is definetly not as easy to find a new one. Don’t get me wrong, for the first twenty years in the work place, I thrived and moved up the
latter. Then I got a government job and this is where I experienced “indirect
and verbal” bullying. I was confronted by someone that for one reason or
another believed that supervising required controlling every move; playing fear
tactics, lying, setting you-up, isolating you, manipulation through via group
“think” (i.e. The practice of thinking or making decisions as
a group in a way that discourages creativity or individual responsibility) and
so many other negative mannerisms in an effort to deem, micromanage and
control. They were very good at covering up the truth and developing a purpose (i.e. mission) for their behavior. I was XXXX and XXX!
Yes, first my hair started
to fall out because of the stress and then I got very sick. I went to the
hospital, had emergency surgery. Looked for other jobs, however this person was
in my life for a reason and their behavior was going to STOP, at least with me.
No one has the right to place a hold on your life like this and I began to
stand up for myself. I do want to
add that bullies in charge and or supervisors do not change their mannerisms
because they feel justified and have convinced management this is the
case. Their bad behavior hovers on the surface, just waiting for that justified attack on their victim!
It is a journey to
understand why someone justifies bad behavior but also remember you must
look inward, adjust yourself in order to TRY to change the situation. Remember
the only thing I could control was how I behaved. To this day, I believe my
failure was not having confidence in myself and trusting my instincts. I have
changed this reality. Finally, believe and support your loved ones going
through this type of situation. It’s a struggle to gain back your self-esteem, power
and control.
PEACE OUT, DIANA!
(c) copywrite
by Diana Mary Sharpton
References:
