“A person can learn a lot from a dog, even a loopy one like ours. Marley taught me about living each day with unbridled exuberance and joy, about seizing the moment and following your heart. He taught me to appreciate the simple things-a walk in the woods, a fresh snowfall, a nap in a shaft of winter sunlight. And as he grew old and achy, he taught me about optimism in the face of adversity. Mostly, he taught me about friendship and selflessness and, above all else, unwavering loyalty.”
― John Grogan
Dear Mr. Postman,
Let me introduce
myself, my name is Bill-Joy; I know, it’s a rather discourteous and patronizing
designation given to me by my human caregivers. Yet what can I do about it! I
have protested this issue, on many occasions, with our pack leader Bill, to no avail.
My given name is Charles; a manly name, reasonably suitable for a giant schnauzer lineage
impeccably aligned and traceable to the 17th century in
Germany. It appears to me that this name results from a human renaming
convention aligned with pack leaders; I cannot find any documentation on the
rule of law anywhere to support the theory one way or another. It is a tedious
beast this innocuous term; alas! I shake my head and regrettably give up on the
whole matter. Let me apologize for the side bar and get on with the purpose of
the letter.
Now, I consider myself
well mannered; nonetheless, my frustration, with you, SIR, has recently reached
exhausting levels. I have even solicited advice from CAT; however, she is too
distracted to help, indulging all hours of the day and night in self-gratifying
licking rituals, let alone give me prudent advice, direction and/or assistance.
The pack leader Bill is never around and on those rare occasions he is home, he
busies himself mating. I cannot for the life of me communicate with Joy his
mate. Her focus is solely on copulating, with Bill, the pool man and you! Oh
yes! I have seen it all, sweating, panting and screaming, until I am blue in
the face. It is all so sorted and indecent in my eyes. Why not just take her
during her season and be done with it, I say! Can’t you smell when she is ripe?
Humans!!!
This is my second
apology for a long winded detour; there are so many unresolved issues in my
life that give me pause. Yes I know this is not your problem, yet it seemed
like an opportune time to get them off my chest and since we do have a
protagonist relationship, I being the hero, it was my thought you might enjoy
all this contextual background.
Okay, okay, so, back
to the point of this letter, I am taking it upon myself to communicate the
deluge that you present, now on a daily basis since I was assigned garden
guard duties by my pack leader, Bill. Personally, I feel Joy was unhappy with
me watching all of her mating actives. I could not help myself, I am in awe of
Bills tenacity to last so long and lick at the same time… In comparison
and it is strictly an opinion mind you, but you and the pool man lack resolve.
This was my third and last diversion, I promise. Sorry!
Look! I want to make
it clear that my property line resides between the fence and door stoup on 2266
Run Away Lane. Your impertinence leads me to believe that somehow you have been
misinformed on this particular aspect on territorial rights. Every day you
enter the vicinity in an intrusive fashion without regard to our tribal
privilege or custom and on a couple of occasions, you have had the audacity to
threaten me with maze. There have been warnings, SIR, which you unremittingly
ignore. Are you out of your mind? I am a reasonable chap and not as aggressive
as one would speculate as long as you crouch on your knees when crossing the
path to the mail box. It must be done in this manner, I beseech you! This is expected
from lower level pack members.
 |
| I am coming to get you (1) |
Let this be my very
last warning, SIR or I will come for you with Terrier ferociousness and will
sink my teeth into your delicate backside, if you persist on being out of compliance. For goodness sake, man, take a bath
and eat some fresh grass to purge, you reek of fried Baloney!!! The odor is
repugnant to me and the fact that I am no longer allowed to snack on a slice or
two exasperates me even further.
I sincerely hope that
this communication is clear and concise!
Good Day to you SIR,
Bill-Joy,
The Amazing Schnauzer!
(c) copywrite by
Diana Mary Sharpton
References:
1) Photographygiant schnauzer . https://www.pawprintgenetics.com/blog/2013/10/07/breed-week-giant-schnauzer/
2) Photography: I am coming to get you. http://mydarlingtheo.org/itstheweekenddog/
