Saturday, April 12, 2014

A Letter to the Postman~a Parody in a Dog's Life #Parody #Satire #Humor #ShortStory #TEXAS #DianaMarySharpton

A person can learn a lot from a dog, even a loopy one like ours. Marley taught me about living each day with unbridled exuberance and joy, about seizing the moment and following your heart. He taught me to appreciate the simple things-a walk in the woods, a fresh snowfall, a nap in a shaft of winter sunlight. And as he grew old and achy, he taught me about optimism in the face of adversity. Mostly, he taught me about friendship and selflessness and, above all else, unwavering loyalty.” 

― John Grogan

Dear Mr. Postman,

Let me introduce myself, my name is Bill-Joy; I know, it’s a rather discourteous and patronizing designation given to me by my human caregivers. Yet what can I do about it! I have protested this issue, on many occasions, with our pack leader Bill, to no avail. My given name is Charles; a manly name, reasonably suitable for a giant schnauzer lineage impeccably aligned and traceable to the 17th century in Germany. It appears to me that this name results from a human renaming convention aligned with pack leaders; I cannot find any documentation on the rule of law anywhere to support the theory one way or another. It is a tedious beast this innocuous term; alas! I shake my head and regrettably give up on the whole matter. Let me apologize for the side bar and get on with the purpose of the letter.

Now, I consider myself well mannered; nonetheless, my frustration, with you, SIR, has recently reached exhausting levels. I have even solicited advice from CAT; however, she is too distracted to help, indulging all hours of the day and night in self-gratifying licking rituals, let alone give me prudent advice, direction and/or assistance. The pack leader Bill is never around and on those rare occasions he is home, he busies himself mating. I cannot for the life of me communicate with Joy his mate. Her focus is solely on copulating, with Bill, the pool man and you! Oh yes! I have seen it all, sweating, panting and screaming, until I am blue in the face. It is all so sorted and indecent in my eyes. Why not just take her during her season and be done with it, I say! Can’t you smell when she is ripe? Humans!!!

This is my second apology for a long winded detour; there are so many unresolved issues in my life that give me pause. Yes I know this is not your problem, yet it seemed like an opportune time to get them off my chest and since we do have a protagonist relationship, I being the hero, it was my thought you might enjoy all this contextual background.

Okay, okay, so, back to the point of this letter, I am taking it upon myself to communicate the deluge that you present, now on a daily basis since I was assigned garden guard duties by my pack leader, Bill. Personally, I feel Joy was unhappy with me watching all of her mating actives. I could not help myself, I am in awe of Bills tenacity to last so long and lick at the same time… In comparison and it is strictly an opinion mind you, but you and the pool man lack resolve. This was my third and last diversion, I promise. Sorry!

Look! I want to make it clear that my property line resides between the fence and door stoup on 2266 Run Away Lane. Your impertinence leads me to believe that somehow you have been misinformed on this particular aspect on territorial rights. Every day you enter the vicinity in an intrusive fashion without regard to our tribal privilege or custom and on a couple of occasions, you have had the audacity to threaten me with maze. There have been warnings, SIR, which you unremittingly ignore. Are you out of your mind? I am a reasonable chap and not as aggressive as one would speculate as long as you crouch on your knees when crossing the path to the mail box. It must be done in this manner, I beseech you! This is expected from lower level pack members.
I am coming to get you (1)

Let this be my very last warning, SIR or I will come for you with Terrier ferociousness and will sink my teeth into your delicate backside, if you persist on being out of compliance. For goodness sake, man, take a bath and eat some fresh grass to purge, you reek of fried Baloney!!! The odor is repugnant to me and the fact that I am no longer allowed to snack on a slice or two exasperates me even further.

I sincerely hope that this communication is clear and concise!

Good Day to you SIR,

The Amazing Schnauzer!
 (c) copywrite by Diana Mary Sharpton

1) Photographygiant schnauzer .
2) Photography: I am coming to get you.